When Church Brings Forth Scadling Tears

Posted in Uncategorized on May 27, 2012 by shewearsblack

 

Just woke up from a dream where rage took place at what should be the unlikeliest of places:  Church.  I often sleep with my iPod playing in its stereo dock or radio playing on my iPhone (AM 1450 WWOL based in D.C. is my current station of choice).  This need for ‘noise’ while sleeping gives me something to think about in between returning to sleep.  The downside at times is whatever is playing, my subconscious will surely paint the images.

Last night, my subconscious  returned me to the church pews of a ‘mega’ church I use to attend nearly 10 years ago.  I was in the small chapel where Bible Study was usually held.  T.D. Jakes delivered a sermon, but I don’t recall the message.  As he spoke I felt surges of rage as hot tears poured from my eyes onto a white cloth I placed on my face.  At the end of his sermon, he came over to me.  He was much wider than I imagined ‘In person’ and the shirt he wore with purple roses on it with brown pants didn’t help.  Our eyes met.  Then he walked away.  That familiar feeling of dejection and invisibility crept into my core.  Or maybe he sensed my overdrawn checking account and decided to set his sights elsewhere.

I awakened to T.D. Jakes’ Sunday broadcast playing on my iPhone.

Funny how this dream coincides with my church going reality.  The emptiness and rage I felt once I got up from the pew.  The spiritual revolution I am still waiting for is my responsibility.

Amen.

I Choose Peace.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 27, 2012 by shewearsblack

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There is a certain magic that comes with Saturday nights.  One can co-create the possibilities of joy, dance, laughter, newfound ‘love’ or anger, bitterness, sadness, and violence.  You take a chance as you get dressed, hoping that your ensemble with attract to you what you’re longing  You have the bus schedule, MTA Card and just enough funds in your checking account to cover drinks and club admission  

As you stand in line, you take note that every patron has their individual story of superficiality.  Reality will resume come Monday morning, but tonight, give into the wishes that are under the guise of lies. 

But instead you stay at home in front of your laptop…nursing the newly formed pimples on your forehead  A bottle of champagne chills in the fridge and sounds grossly unappetizing because you broke through a hangover earlier that day from last night’s libations in isolation. 

Some say I need to get out more.  I believe I have mastered the skill of attending social events alone and embraced the art of unapologetically asking for a table for one.

I am terrified of being alone with myself  I’d rather escape watching endless hours of YouTube, listening to Podcasts or set sail via champagne.  While I would love to be In a committed, loving relationship, my time hasn’t come yet.  For I have much self-work to do.  I’m not yelling, crying, feeling invisible and rejected.  I refuse to go back there.

This is Peace.

 

I Hate to See that Evening Sun Go Down (Ode to Mz. Irene)

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 28, 2011 by shewearsblack

….hope she takes the Greyhound route here.  I hear she’s losing steam.  Prepared with pears, almond butter, iPod, tea light candles, water, and a sincere prayer….

s

As he took away the blue up out the clouds…..

Posted in Uncategorized on August 23, 2011 by shewearsblack

Before the issue of reparations made headlines….

Thank God for Art.

On to Better Things Instead….

Posted in Uncategorized on August 18, 2011 by shewearsblack

Oh, and by the way….

Posted in Uncategorized on August 18, 2011 by shewearsblack

I may not be the most beautiful girl or the sexiest girl nor do I have a perfect body. I might not be everyone’s first choice, but I’m a great choice. I do not pretend to be someone I’m not, because I’m good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things in my past, but I’m proud of who I am today. So take me as I am, or watch me as I walk away! ~ Author Unknown

Wrapped Up

Posted in Uncategorized on August 17, 2011 by shewearsblack

Recently I disconnected from social media outlets Facebook and Twitter (which I’m hardly on because I find it too confining).  I had to examine the realization of why I am so wrapped up in the existence of others and disgusted with my very own.  It’s so easy to get swept up in the photographs of family and friends of others that grace their walls while the mind…my mind…conjured up stories of how wonderful their lives are.  That the Universe has its favorites and maybe in the next realm I may move up on its waiting list.  I have a friend whom I text often who confides in me about her dating sagas and my responses of what she should and shouldn’t do or just how homeboy is straight trippin’, I eerily felt validated despite the void in my heart’s center. Earlier this year, I’ve severed a friendship.  Yet months later I think maybe I did it too soon.

I feel very alone residing in a very secluded, dark space.

Yet through this pain, I know there is something far more greater waiting in the wings for me if I just cast aside my paralyzing fears.  I’ve made chock full of mistakes in my lifetime (and since I’m a human being simply being human, I will make more snafus in this Life).

My life isn’t as bad as I make it out to be.  I’m smart.  I’m creative.  I’m funny.  I’m beautiful.  I’m giving.  I’m helpful.

I’m fuckin awesome!

So cheers to taking a step forward to doing everything I can to deal with me.

Namaste.

WL